I have recently sat with myself and asked how is it that from the time I was little girl I dreamed of being a wife and mother, I finally became one but now part of that is gone. I watched the way that my parents looked at each other, how they laughed, how they talked, and most of all how they did ministry together. I had visions of being like Clair Huxtable before I even knew what I wanted to do career wise. Now, I’m like was I wrong? Did I not explore my singleness long enough before knowing what I was really getting myself into? I was 19 when I moved away from Midland, lost my virginity when I was 20 to the first guy who said he wanted to marry me. I didn’t really know him, not to be making a commitment such as marriage. Well, I became pregnant on the first time! Things didn’t work out, I moved back home with my parents and in that short amount of time I met a man who was talking different than the first. I was too inexperienced to know that this was a “rebound” situation. I just knew that the call of my heart and my desires was being answered! Someone wanted me, he was attracted to me, he listened to me and most importantly he loved my brand-new baby girl! I was set!
Photo Credit: Larry Crayton from Unsplash
I was not educated on self-love, self-care or worth, I didn’t know how to love myself, so I expected my husband to do all of that for me. So, I bended and molded myself into the person I thought he and everyone else wanted me to be. I often didn’t speak up when issues bothered me, and I was physically at his every beck and call because that’s what a submissive wife does, right? Instantly the life of diapers, mid-night feedings, church obligations, PTA meetings, etc. take over and the true purpose of your life gets muddled.
Now one week in of official singleness, I ask myself, “What is it that you want?” I have no idea because I have in the past programmed myself to be a pleaser of my mate. So much to a fault. I know that I am supposed to be married but unfortunately there was a turn of events that caused me to have to end my 13-year marriage, for me and my girls' safety. There’s much healing that needs to take place and each day I’m discovering new revelations. It’s really amazing the things the Lord will show you about yourself if you just make yourself available to listen. This blog is not about what my ex did or didn’t do, this is about me, my journey, my experience and the transition into the next season of my life.
"Life will teach you"
Photo Credit: Jamaal Benison
I don’t like to do life alone, I’m extremely extroverted and I need people’s energy! Thank you for walking along side me. A special thank you to those who pray for me (for real), check on me and the girls, those who helped us move, sent resources my way and those who have shared their own testimony with me to give me hope. I really appreciate all the love and support; may the Lord return it unto you 100-fold!
"Ready to live life God's way, His plans are bigger than my own"
Photo Credit: Jamaal Benison